Q & A: Tween Stepkid Resistance

Source: http://www.bigblendedfamily.com/q-a-tween-stepkid-resistance/

Our readers send questions through Facebook and email regularly, and we often ask counselors to field them, especially if a professional can lend a viewpoint that we can’t. Miami-based Marriage and Family Therapist Isaac Farin, who counsels families impacted by divorce, offered these wise words to our reader:

My tween stepdaughter is increasingly controlling about the way she spends her time when she is with us. She complains about participating in activities we have planned for her and her siblings, even if they are things she likes to do. Also, when the kids have unstructured time to run and be free, she expresses feelings of anxiety that there aren’t firm plans in place for that hour or two. She seems to be uncomfortable cooperating with our family while the rest of our kids are willing to fully participate and emotionally engage. How can I help my stepdaughter feel more relaxed and comfortable and open? How can her father help? This has been building for the past few years. ~Carrie in North Carolina

Isaac’s response: You are a mindful and caring parent. You clearly pay very close attention to your stepdaughter to be able to realize her current challenges and you want to help her.

Have you ever tried to have family meetings to plan out activities while giving the children more of a voice?

To get strategic with your stepdaughter specifically, you can use a technique called an “illusion of choice” by giving her three choices of things that she can do. This will single her out to make a choice because naturally, she will have to decide between one of the three.

When she gets sick of the activity, how will you know that it is ok at that moment? Because it is quite age-appropriate for her to get bored during an activity (even if she picks it out).

The more you become a friend to her the more likely she will settle down.