Okay on the Inside

We’ve all experienced anticipation: that feeling associated with projecting our thoughts and emotions onto some future event. Whether it’s the anticipation of something exciting, like an upcoming vacation, or the more uneasy form of anticipation associated with uncertainty about the future, most of us are pretty skilled at making assumptions about what’s to come. And most, if not all, of us know how agonizing some types of anticipation can be. The stress that’s sometimes associated with anticipation can be debilitating. It can cause us to feel overwhelmed with fear and worry. It can keep us from taking risks or trying new things. It can rob us of our ability to stay focused on the present moment.

But what many of us often find is that the future events that cause us so much fear-inducing, anxiety-provoking, anticipatory stress either don’t happen at all or don’t happen at all the way we expect them to. And more often than not, being inside of the experience feels far less scary, far less terrible than we anticipated it would. As author Augusten Burroughs so aptly puts it, “Whatever it is. However bad it gets. It won’t be the way you imagine it will be from where you stand now. It won’t be anything like what you imagine right now. It will be more like today than the way you think it will be. Once you’re in it, it’s okay.”

One of my clients recently went through a traumatic and terrifying experience. Her beloved father was diagnosed with a rare form of cancer and told he had just a few months to live. My client was, naturally, devastated. But during one of our sessions, she said something that caught my attention. She told me, “This is the thing I’ve feared most all my life. I was so afraid of one of my parents getting sick or dying that I would sometimes get myself sick just thinking about it. I always thought that if I ever had to deal with something like this, I just wouldn’t be able to handle it.” But it was what my client said next that really struck me. She told me that although she was dealing with the event she had fearfully anticipated all her life, she was surprised to find that she didn’t feel the overwhelming, paralyzing agony she always thought she would feel in that situation. She told me that being inside the situation was much different than worrying about it. It was, as she described it, “more manageable” than she could have ever anticipated it would be. For my client, once she was in it, it was okay. 

What my client’s experience can teach all of us is that our fearful anticipation about the future can sometimes be more damaging than even the most devastating circumstances. So rather than focus on the future and let ourselves be swept by the tide of fear and dread associated with the unknown, why not give ourselves the gift of being in the present? The knowledge that things are better, calmer, more manageable from the inside can free us up to live fully in the present.

Next time you find yourself worriedly anticipating something in the future, gently remind yourself to come back to the present moment. Because when we allow ourselves to be present, we often find that it is okay.